Please leave your best memories of Gavin on this page.
81 Replies to “In Memoriam”
Hi Baby! I want you to know how much your daddy and I miss you. You would turn 14 tomorrow and I have spent the day thinking of you…a lot about how much I miss you but also a lot about how excited you would be about your birthday party. I would undoubtedly embarrass you at some point but later after the party ended I would get to hug you and be annoyed by your need to go get whatever you and your friends talked about, for gaming, at your party. I miss your laugh and your hugs and your kindness and generosity. I love you always and I miss you every minute of my day. Happy Birthday baby.
Love mom
Happy 14th birthday. I wrote you another letter that I was going to post on here, but I think that one is going to stay between you and me. At least for now. It’s definitely not for today.
Stuff is pretty crazy still so I think we would have ended up having to postpone your party and you would have been pretty bummed. But we would have set up a virtual party where you could game on-line with your friends. You know, the same thing you did every day anyway 🙂
I hope you know how much I love you
I hope you know how much I miss you
I hope you know how bad I want you here bugging the shit out of your mom and I because being cooped up “sucks and is stupid” and having to school from home is “pointless and stupid”.
Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet Gavin. We will be having ice cream in your honor today to celebrate you! Watch over your Momma and Daddy as I know they need your help to get through this day. Prayers to you all!
Hey Gavin – we live pretty far away from each other so I only got to meet you in person a few times. One of the times I remember so well was a Christmas in Rockford where you had some new-to-you toys. You were so diligent in putting them together and knowledgeable about the world the toys represented. I don’t remember the toys, but I do remember your patience and clarity in explaining how everything worked to me. You were probably 6 or 7 and you absolutely impressed me in the way you communicated with adults.
Our favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate – we’ll be eating a pint of Hagen-Daas in honor of your birthday tonight!
Hi Baby, I thought if we got past your birthday we might be able to get into a pattern of being sad without you but not weeping everytime we hear your name…I hope that works…today has not been that good. Your birthday was yesterday and so many people thought about you and helped celebrate by having Ice-cream in your honor. Your Aunt Amanda even put those pictures here on this website…so while you are internet surfing with Grandpa Jerry make sure you take a look. I love you so so much and I miss you so so much
Hi Baby,
Easter wasn’t the same without you. We miss you so so much. Instead of having the Potts over since the Covid bit we had dinner just daddy and I. We sat with you and watched a movie. We had ham and mac-n-cheese…your favorite (just kidding). We did a little better today. We still ache with missing you but we are able to get out of the house without crying too much and today I made it all the way until dinner before I cried cried. We miss you so much angel. Be good, and know we love you ALWAYS!
I think instead of writing to you everyday here I am only going to write on holidays and when special things happen…otherwise I will just talk to you in the living room…I don’t want Aunt Amanda irritated by my constant rambling.
Dad says to make sure I tell you how much he misses you too. Today was rough for him. We love you so so much and we miss you so so much.
I will talk to you soon
Love,
mom
Hi Baby,
Just want you to know that we are missing you lots today. We tried to start cleaning your room. I don’t think we are quite ready for that…so maybe another day. We miss you so so much and we love you so so much.
I miss your laugh.
Love,
mom
Hi Baby,
You’ve been gone a month…
I love you so so much
and I miss you so so much
I miss your smile and your laugh, I even miss your temper and your pouty moods.
I love you
Love
Mom
Hi Baby
I just wanted to give you an update on the patio. We are just about finished. I think dad and I will finish the last little bit on it tomorrow. I am not sure where the firepit is going to go…or what kind of benches or patio furniture we should get…maybe you can help pick that out. I took a picture of our progress on the patio and if you look closely at dads reflection in the window it looks like you are standing right next to him…I love that you are right there with us every step of the way…please always be there. We love you so much and we miss you so so much. Your being gone has made us think about all the things we have done together and rethink things we said when we were angry and the things we should have said when we were happy or proud. But I hope you always felt the love we had and still have for you. We miss you and we love you ALWAYS
Love,
bob
Hi baby
I just wanted you to know that I miss you so so much. Today marks 6 weeks since you left us and it is not getting easier yet. I have been talking to you daily but it isn’t the same when I can’t hear your snarky come back or see you roll your eyes or all the other little things that made you you. I hope you have been having fun with grandma and grandpa and everyone else. I hope you’re using your nice words. Please know we think about you always and our hearts ache ALWAYS. I miss you so so much angel.
I love you and I miss you
Love
Mom
PS dad said that they recorded a new parks and rec we will watch it together right?
Hi Angel
I can’t believe that it has been 7 weeks…we are still a mess but want you to know that we are trying. I keep thinking of ways to make you proud that you were my baby. So far I keep coming up with nothing. I am missing the little things right now. Like how I used to annoy you by making you dance around the kitchen as I held you in a vice grip and sang dance with me. I miss saying goodnight to you and you requesting that I check on you in 10 minutes. I miss everything…everything. We miss you and we love you always. Please know that we will never stop thinking of you and loving you from afar.
I love you so so much baby
Love
Mom
I love you so so much baby
Yesterday after I wrote to you I read a grief pamphlet that said that part of the grieving process is to say goodbye. I can’t do that…I can accept that you have gone to be with grandma and grandpa but I cannot say goodbye…not ever I need you with me always. I think that is the only way dad and I are going to survive you being gone. I hope that doesn’t upset you too much but you must know that you were our everything…even when we were mad at you or you at us. I miss you so so much. I am trying baby but I cry everyday…this is not getting easier…whoever said “grief fades” was an asshat you are right there on the surface of everything we do. I love you and I miss you always
Love
Mom
Hi Baby
Today marks your being gone 8 weeks. Your daddy and I are still so devastated at your leaving. Today, the day after mothers day, has left us a bit hollow. Your schools principal Mr Swift let us come in and get your things from your locker. It was really hard to do. We cried a lot. But it was nice too, seeing where you spent a good deal of your time. There was very little in your locker. A pair of shorts for gym and a couple of t-shirts along with a text book and some colored pencils and markers…both looked like you had not opened them. It made me sad again to know that you won’t ever get to go on to high school. You won’t get to attend any school dances. You won’t ever get to experience all of the rites of passage that your teenage years were supposed to give you. You always joked about how I would sob like a baby when I dropped you off at college for the first time. I probably would have done that in the fall as you headed off to your first day of high school…but that was taken from us. I don’t know how to process all of this…I feel so so lost without you angel. So so lost and so so empty. I keep asking your dad what did we do before Gavin. But what it comes down to is that we can’t remember because that part of our lives paled in comparison to having you in it so now we are a drift and don’t know what we are supposed to do. Your Aunt Amanda has been a trooper and lets us annoy her whenever being cooped up in this house too long is making us nuts…I really don’t have anything else to report just our continued sadness…OH your note in my mother’s day card was perfect I think I will read it again tonight.
I love you so so much and I miss you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
It’s mom again. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I know you know that the last 2 months have been awful but Mondays are super bad and honestly your dad feels a lot of guilt on Sundays too. I think he has guilt that he went to his fantasy draft on your last Sunday with us instead of being here at home. I told him he was nuts about this. I tell him not to feel guilty but he is super sad still. I keep thinking about the grief pamphlet that says we have to say goodbye to you…I don’t want to but if it will help you find peace I don’t want your angry bored spirit zooming around my head because I made you stay with us. If you need us to say goodbye you have to let us know. Otherwise we are content to have you near us always. I love you and I will never stop I promise. It has been 9 weeks without you and it is not fun. I keep thinking there must be an alternate universe out there somewhere, where you woke up no problem and life is going on like normal. I would like to be in that universe. I miss you and I love you ALWAYS
Love
mom
Hi Angel
I have been off all day…I finally figured it out. It is Monday 10 weeks since you left. We are trying to get things back together but you know it is rough. I was thinking today about all the ways I used to annoy you. When kids are young they play the “why?” game. I would always calmly answer every why question. You liked to see how long you could keep it going. When I got tired of it I would direct my answers until you were asking about puberty and that is when you would stop. When you were little little I would just keep answering until you got bored asking questions, but let’s be honest, the puberty shut down of that game was amazing. I also was thinking how I wont be able to annoy you with dinosaur head but…you hated that game…I miss hanging out with you. I remember once I told you that I wasn’t your friend because I had a much much better roll in your life and that was being your mom. But I lied you were my friend. Gavin F. from school wrote us a note and at the end he said he very much missed his friend. Me too.
I miss you so so much and I love you so so much
Love
Mom
Ps I am thinking to have your memorial on June 26 or 27. So hopefully soon we will have a celebration of your life…so if you like either of those days let me know and work on making the weather amenable. Love you monkey
Hi angel
11 weeks. We are still a mess. We went to visit Aunt Maria and Uncle Clayton. We thought we would be okay with that trip. We were wrong. You not being in the hotel room with us was awful, and then seeing your new cousin Brody with is chubby cheeks just like you was super hard. We cut our trip short. We failed and came home a day early. I don’t have much new to say. I have said it all every time I write here and every time I talk to you in the house; why? we don’t get it! we miss you! we love you! This is wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Please talk to someone upstairs and get some answers for me because I need something!
I miss you so so much and I love you so so much
Love mom
Hi Baby
So this is week 12 without you. It still sucks. That really is all there is to say about it. I am reading every night with you I have not heard when the next Trials of Apollo will come out but hopefully I am caught up by then and can read it to you. I love you always. I miss you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi buddy.
Today’s been a particularly bad day. Not sure why. Thought maybe I would send you a quick note.
Hard to believe, but we should actually be on a plane right now headed to London. Probably would have been a long miserable flight but I was really looking forward to it. Not the flight, the trip.
Of course everything got canceled so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
Everything’s still pretty COVID crazy right now. Wish you were here with us.
week 13 and it is still awful. I am reading to you every night so I usually say to you there the things I need to. I haven’t been crying as much but it strikes at weird times. I miss you and I love you so very much kid.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
Yesterday was Father’s Day and was pretty rough. We miss you and I hope you are still hearing us tell you we love you and we miss you. You gave your dad some t-shirts this year which is the same as usual but it isn’t the same since you weren’t there telling me in person which one to buy. I miss you so so much still and I will never stop loving you.
Love
Mom
It’s the eve of your memorial service. I’m sure you’ll be surprised to know it’s a bit of a scramble to get it all together. But I think we’re there.
Today was really hard. Getting everything ready brings back so many general and specific memories. It’s overwhelming at times.
100 days later and I miss you just as much as the first day you were gone.
Love you kid.
-Dad
Hey Gavin, I’m really missing you man. I wish that I could have told you how good of a friend you were. You helped me out a lot, and were always there for me. I hope you’re doing well in heaven.
Hi baby
It is hard to believe it has been 15 weeks. Your daddy and I went golfing today…it was his last day of vacation (the last day of what would have been our England vacation…except…everything) I started thinking that had you not passed away maybe we would have dragged you out there with us and made you drive the cart and caddy for us. I miss you everyday angel. I feel like a broken record but I am still having a hard time believing you are not coming back. Regardless I want you to know I love you so so much and I miss you so so much. Be good and say Hi to Grandma and Grandpa for us.
I love you
mom
Hi Baby
Happy Monday. It is week 16. Mondays still suck. Your dad had a dream about you the other night that set us both back a little bit…letting him find the video from Miss Paulas was very needed. You had to have been all of one year old and you said “I love you dad” clear as day then you said “and mom I love you mom” You are still the cutest child I have ever known bar none!! We miss you so much angel and we love you even more.
I’ll talk to you again soon
I love you
mom
Hi baby
I miss you…thought I would get that out of the way 17 weeks and you are still gone. I think your dad and I are doing a little better. Our grief is still constant but it is a dull ache instead of a shooting pain. I can usually go a few days without crying now though I still read to you every night and like to leave lipstick marks on your forehead like normal every morning. Also in a random weird thought your dad and I are watching the tiger king and it is awful. I think we would have let you watch with us just so you know exactly how bad meth is. Okay I love you so so much
I’ll write again next week. Miss you angel
Love
mom
Okay Angel
So it has been 18 weeks and one day since you left. I feel like a bad mom for not writing yesterday. I decided I would write every monday at least for the first year and yesterday I missed. I shouldn’t have. I had a very vivid dream of you so I woke up on Monday thinking of you and crying. I am going to tell you about the dream incase my answer in it was unclear. In the dream I was sitting on my closet floor and I think I was putting on socks. You came in and sat on my lap. You were crying and I felt you. I felt your weight on my lap and my arms around you and I felt your head on my shoulder. In the dream I was rubbing your back and rocking you back and forth or at least as back and forth as I could while seated on the floor. I asked you what was wrong and you said, “I am afraid to go into the light.” I don’t know what happens when we die. I believe that you get to see loved ones who died before you but I am not sure if there are parallel universes and when you die you are born into the next and vice versa or if there is truly a heaven or the fields of Elysium where you wait for the people here to join you. I believe that you should not be afraid of that light angel. If it scares you because you think you are leaving us behind its okay. we are going to love you and miss you always because you aren’t here with us so going into the light is not going to change how much we love and miss you. We want what we have always wanted, for you to be safe and happy. So I am going to leave you with this, make good choices. I love you so so much and I am so so proud that you were my baby even if it was for such a short time. We miss you and we love you so so much.
Love mom
Hi Angel
It has been 19 weeks since you were taken away from us. I hope you are doing well and that Grandma and Grandpa are spoiling you right. Today the counter people came to measure the kitchen…so our europe trip turned into quartz countertops. I am sure that you would have been very “excited” about the change to the kitchen. I also want you to know that we are doing okay. I am not sure how long it is going to take for us to say we are doing good. I had a really rough day yesterday. Some days you are right on the front of my brain and I can’t stop myself from being sad over how irritated you would have been in a situation. Like yesterday dad and I went to Lowes just to have something to do and we talked about how you would have been so mad that we made you come along with us. We hated that you were so miserable but we loved having you by us. I miss that most…having you near. Hearing you yell about the internet being slow. Hearing you cackle over a show that you had already seen 18 times. I miss you everyday and want you to know we love you and think of you always.
I will talk to you again soon
I love you
Mom
Hi baby
20 weeks and we are still not okay. We miss you. I hope you look in on us every now and then. I cried a lot this weekend because the pratt children turned 3 and when I was at Target you asked if we could give them Dr Seuss books. We got them one fish two fish and fox on socks. I miss you and really dont have anything else to report aside from the counters will be in on Thursday. I know if you were still with us you wouldnt even be able to pretend that you were excited about them. I will write again next week angel.
I miss you and I Love you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi bugs. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. Doesn’t mean I’m not constantly thinking about you.
Still knock on your bedroom door if it’s closed before I walk in. Still can’t be in there for more than a handful of seconds. Wonder if that’s ever going to change.
The Dust Devils had their last game of the season last night, which also meant their last game ever. I’m so sorry but I didn’t have it in me to go. I would have if Mom wanted to but she was in the same boat.
Hey Baby
It is week 21. I want you to know that I miss you and I love you and I think about you always. I think your dad and I are taking two steps forward and one step back in dealing with your absence. You dad got a little sad today. I think he feels regret that he was a human being when he would get irritated at you at times. I tell him always that what we feel is right, even if it is irritation. I know you are my angel and I wouldnt change one thing about you but you knew how to push buttons and you were a kid learning how to interact and get along as a person so sometimes, be it intentional or accidental, you irritated us. I know that my temper was off the charts sometimes. I am really working on the laughter and love rather than the fights. Like I got sad yesterday because you wont laugh at my dumb busy bee routine that I did when you were an infant until you were 13 which I know was laughter only because I was so weird. I also thought about the stories that we would co-write at dinners where I would set up the hero to do something great and when you had the pen the hero would fart a lot or eat poop. Regardless of how we felt starting those stories by the end we were laughing. I miss your smile. I think I am going to leave you on that note and watch you in a video. I miss you so so much monkey
I love you
Mom
Hi Angel
Today marks 22 weeks without you. I thought I would write from school so you could snicker about me being there and you not having to be in the building today but I had a rough afternoon thinking about you and all of the freshmen I am going to end up teaching this year. I miss you. School this year is going to be rough…to be honest I think it is going to suck for at least 4 years as I see your age group go through the ranks. I guess one silver lining is that you will be frozen at 13 almost 14 so you still had a few little boy qualities that I can hold on to and you never had the chance to become a lippy 16 year old. I miss your laugh and your smile and your snark. Say hey to grandma and grandpa and everyone else. I will talk to you soon
I Love you so so much
Love
mom
Hi Baby
It is closing in on the end of the day. I brought you to work with me today. I have done that a couple of times and I am not sure if it is the fact that you are with me or if it is all me but I don’t want to be here today. I feel like I have that feeling everyday I bring you with…I think I am channeling you. I love you so much kid. I hope you are enjoying time with Grandma and Grandpa. I hope that you are still checking on us. I know you are I feel you with us. Like today when I don’t want to be at work. Just so you know the drive home sucks…I know your hugs wont be waiting at the end of it anymore….I guess I could hug your dad…just not the same.
Love you and miss you kiddo
Love,
mom
It has been 24 weeks angel…this is almost the half year mark. I went back to school with kids today. I thought of you looking at my freshmen. I sometimes think about what your argument for not going to school anymore might be. You were so stinking smart. I wish we could have seen where it would have taken you. I miss you so so much angel. I have been doing okay and then I have a few set back days…today might be one of them. I am going to blame my sadness and not looking at your memories and smiling on the fact that it is monday and I am super tired…so with that I will tell you the same thing I always tell you. I miss you so so much and I love you so so much. Talk to you next week angel
Love
Mom
Hi bud. Just thought I’d say hi.
Mom had her first week with students and that led to us talking about how you for whatever reason picked German as the language you wanted to learn. Pretty sure part of it was to troll us to which I say, well played.
Hey Baby
This marks week 25…almost a half a year is gone and some days it is still awful. Some days are okay. I don’t have much to tell you about I told you most of what I needed to when I read to you. I just wanted this out in the cosmos so you know that we are still thinking of you and Loving you and trying to figure out what the point of life is since you aren’t here anymore. I miss you so so much and I love you so so much
Be good angel
Love
mom
Hi Angel
It has been 26 weeks since you left. I think we are doing better in general. I know we still have days and as it turns out when people talk about their 9th graders I get weepy still. I am missing you so much. I am trying to remember the times that you laughed or when we did things together that were memorable for us both. I even like remembering the times that whatever we were doing ended with you mad at me for something. I miss you baby so so much. Please know how much I love your face and how much I miss your face.
Love
Mom
Hi angel Baby
Another week has gone by. We still miss you too much for words. I really feel like a broken record about what is going on. I saw Miss Jill on Saturday. She said that Xavier is eating lunch with a Gavin from the YMCA but also said that he was the wrong Gavin…We all still think about you so much. I dont think any amount of time will make this hole in my heart any smaller. I hope you are doing okay with Grandma and Grandpa and think about us every now and then…When uncle Jimmy lets you play with the chainsaws I hope you are being safe. I still miss you like crazy and want to hug you so much it hurts. I think about you always and I love you always.
Love
Mom
Hi bugs.
How much longer do I have to endure this. I’m so tired kid.
I’m hanging on because I think that’s what you would want.
I love you so much buddy. I hope you knew that. I think you knew that. I can’t stop thinking about the stupid shit I would chastise you for. Literally none of it mattered.
You were the best and deserved so much more.
If you had to go I just wish I had one day with you. I know my last interaction with you was a hug and an “I love you” which is more than a lot of people get. But it wasn’t fair to you. And selfishly it wasn’t enough for me.
I would be grateful if I could see you in my dreams buddy. Not sure why you haven’t visited outside of the one awful one but if you were worried it would be too much I can handle it. Please.
I love you forever Gavin.
Hi angel
I miss you and this pain has been going on for 29 weeks. I want you to know that we are still trying to be normal. I feel like we do a good job pretending when we are out and about but it is still right there on the tip of thought. Nothing is right without you baby. Hope you are enjoying your time in the field of ellysium? Asphidel? I cant remember what rick riordan talked about in his books but that version of heaven is where I put you in my brain. I want you to know that I am still talking to the flickering lightbulbs because I believe it is you letting me know you are okay. I love you so much baby. Be good. I will see you someday I hope if I do good things from here on out I feel like maybe I can makeup for being a jerk when I was younger.
Love you and miss you always
Love mom
Hi Baby
Mondays suck but they still happen…I feel like crying a lot on mondays. It has been 30 weeks since you left. I think this is about where I am going to stop counting the weeks. When you were a baby I only counted the weeks until 24 then I just counted by months…which I did until you were 2 years old…so maybe that will be my plan. I have nothing fun to report…more whining over missing you. I am trying to be happy but it doesnt work. I guess I didn’t realize how much of my joy you controlled….I miss you so so much angel. Okay now that I am crying at work I should get back to it. I love you so so much!
Love
mom
Hi Baby
I have thought of you every morning since you have been gone but I gotta be honest nothing screams Gavin like the weather we are having. It is chilly and in my mind I picture you standing on the corner waiting for the bus without a jacket saying “It isnt cold” I miss the things you would say…like “mom you are so weird” or “me me meme me”. I miss everything. I love you so much and hope that you are doing good and that you are remembering your nice words. Come see me in a dream soon…I miss you
Love
bob
Hi Handsome Baby
Just wanted you to know that we think about you always. Life is kind of on auto drive…each day bleeding in the next and each week doing the same. We miss you a lot. I love hearing stories about you and I feel like I am getting better about hearing about other people’s children without wanting to break into tears. …I guess that is growth. There really is not too much going on right now…I am dreading the up coming holidays because I dont want to forget how much you loved them but I also dont think celebrating will be something we want to do without you. OKay so I am going to let you run now. I cant tell you enough how much I love you. Please be good and be safe and know we miss you every second of every day.
Love you kiddo
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
I am not really sure why but over the past few days I keep thinking about your cackle. I am not sure if I keep seeing things I think you would find funny or just random memories surfacing but I want you to know that though I miss that sound so so much please keep doing it and finding things worth laughing at. I worry your dad and I will only find humor in fart jokes and things that are surface only because we are still working on finding joy on the inside. Halloween was harder than I thought it would be. We went to see you memorial tree and that made your loss fresh again. I wish you were here to complain about school and what is going on in Fortnite. I miss you angel so so much
Love
mom
Hi Baby
I am writing thank you notes today for the tree in the park with your name on it. It is a great tree. It is an eastern redbud and reminds me of how your dogs ate my first and second round of trees in the backyard. I hope that is something I can learn to laugh about…it was something we were supposed to laugh about together. I miss you so much angel. I hope you are doing okay and that you look in on us every now and then.
I love you so so much
Mom
Hi angel
I almost just called you my angle …oops….it has been a long day. I know I have told you that I dont like mondays they are usually really really awful…you have been gone 8 months today…I thought I would feel worse on the month-iversaries of your passing but Really the holidays and 6th months has been the worst. I hope you are doing okay. I think about you all the time. I have a kid that reminds me of you. He really wants to do well. Hes smart too…not as smart as you…which I think ends up being good so that I am not worried about getting weepy everyday. I try to be upbeat but everyday something hits hard…for dad it is music…the music you shared a like for or songs about being separated and waiting for each other…so really dont worry about us we are still ginormous messes and will be forever. We miss you baby
Be Good
mom
Hi Baby
I hope you enjoyed the Trial of Apollo Series. I need to figure out what to read to you next…I am not sure I am ready to let go of pretending to be your mom by tucking you in at night. Maybe a really long series? Anyway Dad posted your soccer story on facebook like he said he would. Lots of people smiled and laughed at how cute you are. I just cry because you arent here. Alright I dont need to get so worked up right now I will cry about it tonight when I tuck you into bed. I love you real whole lots and miss you more than you will ever know
Love you
mom
Happy thanksgiving angel
I missed forcing you to try the mashed potatoes and the face you made afterwards that told me you secretly loved them but were too stubborn to admit it. Nothing is right without you here. We miss you so so much baby.
I love you and miss you so so much
Love,
Mom
Hi sweetest Angel
Your daddy and I went Christmas Shopping over the weekend and it was oddly therapeutic. It was weird not looking for things for you but I thought about you the whole time. “Gavin would love this!” “Do you remember how Gavin would get so excited when he was little little about the boxes after the toys came out?” I think the fact that I tried to get your shopping done first without mixing it with the nieces and nephews helped…that and you were growing out of the toy section at the store…you were getting more excited about gaming money than things that I could buy for you…but lets face it you favorite every year was always the socks and underwear.
I miss your face kiddo. I hope you are happy and safe.
I will talk to you again soon
I Love you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I don’t want to ruin Christmas for you but my plan was to find you a new book or book series we could read together…I did not handle the end of the trials of Apollo series well…I know was not the greatest mom but I loved being your mom and I am really not ready for that to be done. Regardless if you see a series or even just a book that looks good to you give me or your daddy a nudge so we can make that happen. I love you so much and miss you every minute of every day. I will write again soon.
Love you and miss you
Mom
Hey Angel Baby
Daddy and I are having a hard time deciding what to do about Christmas. We did not put the tree up this year thinking that it might be too hard to see it without you here. However now we are thinking maybe you would want it up because you loved Christmas so much. I wish I knew what the right call was. Also I want to be here for Christmas so I feel like you are close to us but at the same time there are so many memories that I am having a hard time with that I dont think I should be here…I wish you were here with us…Everything about this sucks because you are gone. I love you so so much angel. I hope you are doing good and that you are using your nice words. We think about you always and miss you with every breath.
I love you so much
Mom
So it’s Tuesday well technically Wednesday now angel. With getting tested for covid occupying my brain on Monday night I forgot to write. Your dad is visiting with uncle Gunnar and aunt Amanda is out in New Jersey I am alone and I was so excited for quiet alone time but now all I am able to do is think about you and weep. I am sorry I wasn’t better at being your mom….even if I wasn’t great my love for you should have always been apparent…I was always so so proud of you baby and I feel dead inside since you left. Ok enough. I love you and I miss you and I wish I could hug you…I would say one last time but let’s be honest if I had you in my arms I would just stay like that forever just so you couldn’t leave. Be good…use your nice words… know that your dad and I love you always. I will talk to you again soon.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
We made it through our first Christmas without you…it was bad…really bad but honestly it hurt worse on Christmas Eve. Dad and I hung a stocking on your tree in the park…I put a little treat inside it…now I am questioning if that was a good idea I don’t want to make the wildlife sick…maybe next year it will just be the stocking. We love you so much life seems pretty pointless without you in it…like we are just waiting to see you again. Ok enough with the depressed diatribe. We love you and we miss you so so much angel.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
So we made it through New Years and dad’s birthday. Part of me is happy to leave 2020, it was such an awful year with horrible experiences but I hate getting further and further from my time with you. I worry my memories of you will diminish with age. I don’t want to lose any memory of you even the ones where we fought and I felt like I was doing everything wrong. Tonight rylan from Duello showed up on our doorstep. I wonder if you sent him our way since you knew I would over react and call the police to get him help. You were always so good…way better than I ever was your kindness is still remembered. Ms Parn your elementary school principal reached out over the holidays and told us about how she remembers your kindness. It was sweet. Bitter sweet. Okay enough rambling. I miss you and I love you so so much…and I am so proud I got to be your mamma.
Happy new year angel
I will keep writing.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I was just going to check in and see how you are doing. It is Monday again and I am feeling a little sad. Overall I feel like we are doing better. I guess this weekend will be a test. We are going to see the nieces and nephew to give them their Chris presents. I am wondering how your teenage angst would have played out. Your irritation at having to go warring with your desire to see your cousins and getting presents. I would imagine you would be okay going knowing you would have gaming time in the car but isolating yourself as soon as we’ll got there until we would leave again. Your cousins are getting big. I can picture you playing with them in my mind and it is bittersweet knowing that this time all you can do is watch from above. For so long you were the only child and I felt like you got neglected too often…it is one of the things that would irritate me at family gathering because your aunts and uncles would not play with you…I miss you.
A quick update about rylan (classmate not cousin) so he spent some time visiting with some care givers to make sure he was not a danger to himself. I hope he got the attention he needed. I told him I would help him with math if he needed it…I can just imagine the arguments we would have had over your math since I would be obnoxiously critical about how you did things…you were so smart but very boy like in your haste to get your work done whether it was right not not. Okay that is about all I am going to ramble about tonight. I miss you so so much baby….and I love you so so much and I always will.
Talk to you soon.
Love
Mom
Hi Monkey
Sorry I missed last weeks letter to you. Because of the holiday on monday I got my days all screwed up. BUT I am back on track now. I hope you are doing okay. I have some bad news. My idiot dog ate the hat you asked me to get for your dad…he was pretty upset…we will have to replace it soon. I miss you so much, today was a rough. Dad was understandably angry and sad that your gift had become a chew toy to the idiot boy dog….Dad still calls him fat head. On a completely different note, your dad and I started bowling in a league with Jill and Michael…I am out of shape…the first week my butt hurt and the second week my arm…I am curious what will hurt next week. Okay so I have very little to say…I am going to start reading again soon. I am curious about the Michael vey series that we got for Christmas. Okay so I will write again next week. I love you so much and think about you ALL THE TIME. I hope you are happy.
Talk to you soon Angel
Love
Mom
HI Angel this is just a real quick note to let you know I am thinking about you…and that my mood matches the day…kind of gray and Blaaaaahhhh. I miss you so much but since today is so blaaaahhh I have very little else to report…maybe that I love you more than my own life. I will try to write again later with something exciting to talk about like maybe the sunroom? Okay Have real good days handsome. I love you and miss you
Love
Mom
My love you my miss you my drinking…your dAds fault. Even though you might think I am your real mom but I am real proud of everything you are!!
I live you and I miss you so so much
Love
Mom
Wow
Sorry gav I was trying to reference when you and dad came to pick me up from aunt Amanda’s and you said you wish you had your real mom back. Last night was rough I miss you so so much.
I will do better next week
Love you angel
Mom
Hi Angel!
It is monday again…and it is COLD!! I think you would have liked the weather today it is so cold it is dangerous and the snow is pretty and both of those things would have given you and excuse to hole up in your computer cave. I dont have a whole lot to report. Your dad and I are bowling with Jill and Michael…I am AWFUL at bowling and to top it off I think my elbow is broken…it might be because I do not bowl correctly or that it is a stupid sport…I have not decided which yet. We are enjoying getting out though so I guess that is good. Your dad cleaned poop vomit from Luna’s cage today…I told you she ate poop…this is where you are supposed to say “he does too!” and I argue that he doesnt…but you are not here to argue with me. That makes me super sad…I reached out to a grief counselor…I guess we will see what happens. I dont feel like what is happening in my head is unusual and talking about it with someone who doesn’t know me or more importantly you doesnt seem like it is going to do any more good than letting time heal as much as it can and then figuring out how to go on without you in our lives. But I guess we will see. Okay I have nothing else to report…Except for the sun room which I think I will tell you about next time or when it finally gets underway.
I love you so so much and I miss you so so much too.
Be good…use your nice words…and know that we think about you ALWAYS
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
I am sorry I missed Monday. It was not a great day and I was super tired…so I neglected you. I am sorry. I hope you are doing okay. I tried to reach out to a counselor to get some counseling for your dad and I but no one contacted me back so I guess that means they do not want to take on new clients. I was not too nice it what I was saying either so maybe they decided to skip us. Anyway. I love you so so much…Singing happy birthday to your cousins is not nearly as fun without you cackling and rolling your eyes in the background.
Miss you baby
Love mom
Hi Baby
I hope you are doing good. I miss you. We got new neighbors not too long ago…I am not sure if I mentioned that before but they are very nice. The have a little boy. Younger than you, but also has epilepsy. They just got 2 new puppies. Your idiot dogs are in a tizzy over it. Dad said that they barked the day away. I guess we will see how that turns out overall. I am thinking maybe the neighborhood will vote us off the island for having loud dogs. I should tell you about the sun room but I think I am going to save that for when I have nothing else to say and truthfully with the indeterminant amount of time it may or may not take to get it rolling I think I have time. I love you and will talk to you soon. I think the next time the weather gets warmish that Betty and I will come picnic at your tree…just to spend some time. You got a text from Conner Tebeau he says he misses you still…we all do.
Okay I will talk to you next week
I love you soo soo much and I miss you so so much too
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
Sorry I did not write on monday we were on our way back from visiting Aunt Mia and Uncle Clay. We gave Barrett a ride in the jeep and I looked back and it wasn’t you in the back seat and I really lost it. You have been away from us for nearly a year and I still have moments where it is all just a terrible nightmare and I expect to see you where you are supposed to be. I think that makes me delusional but I am really having a hard time with the concept that this is life now…I miss you everyday. I know I say that all the time but I miss being your mom. I miss how irritated I used to get over random nothing issues and how if I could go back I would try to be less nit-picky. I dont think I would have given you more time on the computer or anything like that but I would try to be more patient. I feel like I am negotiating your return but I know you can’t come back. If I could I would trade places with you so that you could have had a life where you fell in love and graduated from school and had children of your own. I hope you are watching over your dad and I because it is the only thing that gives me a modicum of peace. I love you always
and I am so proud you were my angel
Love
Mom
Hi Angel. This has been the longest and shortest year of our lives. This time last year I was in the attic in the garage trying to wire the new outlets. You played your computer and talked to me a little about planning your birthday party. You went for a bike ride and then climbed up the ladder to see what the attic looked like. You were super excited because there was talk of closing school because of Covid. That was before we understood what the pandemic was going to do/ be like. I wish I had perfect clarity of that day. I would cherish those memories like I do all my memories of you but it was the oldest you got to be so I feel like it was important. I remember later that evening we went up to the Pratt Garage and you stayed in and watched the office. I have huge guilt over going there because I remember cracking a joke about someone wanting to adopt a 13 year-old boy, then complaining after the call came in about your school closing because I just wanted ONE DAY of my spring break to be by myself…Ever since that day I tell the universe I take it back I take it back I take it back…I would rather have everyday with you glued to my side then having to deal with the loss of you. Your daddy and I are miserable without you here. We are trying to adjust but being your mom was my favorite job and I got fired…I know I was not a great mom but you were a great son…even when we quarreled or did not see eye to eye…I hope you know that even when I was being stubborn or irritating you that I loved you so so so so so much and I was always so so so so proud that you were my baby. I dont think I am going to write to you tomorrow. We are going to go visit your tree and try to celebrate you without being too sad….it is hard though. I hope to light off some of your lanterns and I think with the number of them that I bought we will do that every year until we meet again. I love you so much baby
Be good, use your nice words and know that we think about you ALWAYS
Love
Mom
Hi Baby
It has been a few weeks…I was having issues remembering what day is what and with spring break and the anniversary (I can’t believe we have survive a year) of your passing i feel a bit discombobulated. I will endeavor to get back on track next week. I like talking to you this way. Science tells us energy is never created or destroyed just transferred so I like to think that you are the energy around us…I usually see you in flickering light bulbs but since you liked computers so much I am pretending that you read this often. I am hoping that your dad reaches out to the sun room people soon so we know when that is going to happen…then I will tell you all the details and other stuff that if you were here you would be rolling your eyes at. I miss you so so much angel. I hope you are doing okay. Look in on us every now and again and visit our dreams I like talking to you there…so it is not as one sided of a conversation. Talk to you soon.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I thought about sending you an April fools prank but I couldn’t think of anything that would elicit that perfect snicker you had. It is Monday again…so trash night. I decided to clean out the fridge which has not been done in a LONG time. I cried because I threw out some of your food….I know it is over a year old but there was cheese in there for your famous swap fries and some green bacon bits…also from swamp fries….I couldn’t throw it all out….I actually went into the trash to save that awful cheese but decided to keep the chocolate sauce for your chocolate milk instead…I don’t much like this version of life. For a while I tried to pretend you were off at college but kept remembering that you won’t be here for holidays….I think that hurt worse. Sunday was Easter and I kept thinking of how sweet you were when you were tiny lugging around an Easter basket with plastic eggs from grandma and grandpa’s house. I hope you had a good holiday with them and that you got treats out of your plastic eggs. I miss you so so much baby. Ok have a good week and don’t forget to use your nice words. I love you!
Love
Mom
Happy birthday baby
I hope there is fritzes in heaven. I was looking forward to teaching you to drive…so that sucks but to as much as you not being heri love you so much!
Love
Mom
Hi angel
It is Monday and I just read over my last entry to you and all those times I told you to take your time and watch out for silly mistakes only applied to you since there are SO many typos. Oh well. So this weekend sucked…I really hope at some point remembering you with us will not take my breath away with grief and pain, but your birthday is going to be bad every year I think. You were always so cute about what you wanted to do for your birthday and who you would invite…I know even on March 15th you were hoping to reach out to friends about your party… you and I were two peas in a pod and now your gone…I really think I hate the universe for taking you away. But also so very glad we had the time we did. Alright I will let you go. I miss you and I love you so so much my little monkey
Love
Bob
Hi cutest
It’s Monday again. Let’s see…things that are going on…nothing really. I went by your tree today it was a lovely day and then it is supposed to snow tomorrow night….I am hopeful for a snow day but realistically that isn’t going to happen. The sun room company finally got the permits to start construction…this will become my summer project I think. I remember how my dad would force me to help him on projects I think that was brilliant because it made me realize I can do it myself so I am missing out on forcing you to do projects with me…maybe grandpa is up there forcing you to do projects with him. Okay well I have nothing much else to say that you haven’t heard like 1000 times so I will let you go be safe know we love and miss you so very very much!
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
A thought occurred to me today that not only do we miss out on watching you grow into the best person you can be…I can’t pretend that at some point you will take over mowing the lawn. Sigh…I had day dreams about paying you $20 to mow the yard and slipping you a 50 “accidentally” every now and then just so you would think I am super cool even though we both know I am the best nerdiest person I can be minus having you here to witness it. I miss you everyday. Sometimes it feels never ending, this pain, and some days I feel like we will be okay until we see you again. It’s a toss up on the day. Well that is about all I have for now. I love you more than my own life and miss you every second of every day
Love,
Mom
Hi baby
I thought of you today…like everyday. I can’t get it out of my head that Conner t got his learners permit and I think ms Sam and mr Steve bought him a car. I can’t imagine the cajoling we would hear because you would not have gotten a car from us….sorry angel. I hope you are doing good. Dad and I went to the casino and your dad won a jackpot as I sat next to him and lost…and lost and lost but oh well. Okay it is dinner time so I am going to run but I love you and I miss you
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
Happy Monday. I managed to make it through mothers day again…thank you for my card and flower it was lovely. It made me cry because it was just what you would have picked on your own…not through dad. I really have nothing new to report…I could tell you how I had to borrow Mr Josh’s lawn mower today since ours finally broke broke. It was about time for a new one so now I am going to look a little more closely at a riding mower. I guess we will see. I went to the dentist today too but I think you knew that because I felt like you were there worrying about me when the evil dentist numbed my jaw. …that is really about all I have to report…i miss your laugh and your smile so much…today more than normal because I was at the dentist. Okay well we are going to go have a trivia thing with Aunt Amanda so I am going to let you go. I love you and miss you so so much my angel
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I am a little shocked when I have a day that feels so normal that I think about what you did at school today…then I remember. It doesn’t make me sob uncontrollably anymore but it makes me very sad. We had the school outing last Friday I thought about what you would say about my behavior and how you would be embarrassed because I am a spazz but on the inside you would think “my mom is super cool” okay so maybe you wouldn’t think that but in my head you always do. I think this year I might get out of school before you would have so I would have been taunting you about it like any good parent would then you would turn it right back around and tell me that you would have a longer summer break because I will go back before you would have to too. I am not sure if this is the first sign of losing my mind but if it is I am okay with it since a small part of me gets to pretend everything is fine. Alright I am going to go but please know I love you so so much and I miss you every minute!
I will talk to you soon.
Love
Mom
Hi angel!!
It is Monday…the last Monday of the school year…the last Monday of what should be your freshman year of high school…I hear you cackling that you were done on Thursday and that I had to go to school on Friday… I miss you angel. Hang out a little with us this summer…I will imagine you playing your computer and yelling about the internet…I miss your voice your smile your laugh your face. I love you
Love
Mom
Happy Monday angel
This is the time of year that I am supposed to lord it over your head that I am done with my school year and you still have a week to go…and right now in my head I hear you making that “mee mee me me” sound that I loved so much…then you would mention that even though you are still in school you don’t have to go back as early as I do. I miss you baby…so much. I hope you are doing okay. I hope that you continue to look in on us every now and then…we need you to be our voice of reason when we start to do stupid things. I don’t have much else to report so I will let you go but please know that we think about you every day and we will never stop missing you. I love you so much baby
Love,
Mom
Hi Angel Baby
It has been over a year since I last wrote to you here. Please dont think it is because I think about you any less…it is more that moving helps keep the depression from becoming debilitating. That and I tend to sob uncontrollably when I write to you here…this is not where and how I want to talk to you…I guess there is nothing to be done about that though. I hope you are doing okay. Your dad and I are here…I hope you check in every now and again. In school this year you would be a junior. I have a lot of your cohort this year….I think that is a big part of my sadness, parts of you are everywhere but you are not here…that and it is winter and I feel trapped. I wish you knew exactly what a huge part of my life you were….even when I was crazy ranting mom you were my center. And as every one can see centrum non tenere…you know? well to end on a positive note…sprink is almost here…and by almost I am being optimistic. we have a good 8 weeks before the weather changes will stick…so. I love you more than life itself monkey face and I miss you so so so so so much.
My Love you
Mom
Hi angel we are sending a friend your way…please pick up his poop often you know how much he likes to eat it…we love you so so much and miss you every second of every day…
Hi Baby! I want you to know how much your daddy and I miss you. You would turn 14 tomorrow and I have spent the day thinking of you…a lot about how much I miss you but also a lot about how excited you would be about your birthday party. I would undoubtedly embarrass you at some point but later after the party ended I would get to hug you and be annoyed by your need to go get whatever you and your friends talked about, for gaming, at your party. I miss your laugh and your hugs and your kindness and generosity. I love you always and I miss you every minute of my day. Happy Birthday baby.
Love mom
Hey buddy,
Happy 14th birthday. I wrote you another letter that I was going to post on here, but I think that one is going to stay between you and me. At least for now. It’s definitely not for today.
Stuff is pretty crazy still so I think we would have ended up having to postpone your party and you would have been pretty bummed. But we would have set up a virtual party where you could game on-line with your friends. You know, the same thing you did every day anyway 🙂
I hope you know how much I love you
I hope you know how much I miss you
I hope you know how bad I want you here bugging the shit out of your mom and I because being cooped up “sucks and is stupid” and having to school from home is “pointless and stupid”.
Happy Birthday kid. Love you.
-Dad
Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet Gavin. We will be having ice cream in your honor today to celebrate you! Watch over your Momma and Daddy as I know they need your help to get through this day. Prayers to you all!
Hey Gavin – we live pretty far away from each other so I only got to meet you in person a few times. One of the times I remember so well was a Christmas in Rockford where you had some new-to-you toys. You were so diligent in putting them together and knowledgeable about the world the toys represented. I don’t remember the toys, but I do remember your patience and clarity in explaining how everything worked to me. You were probably 6 or 7 and you absolutely impressed me in the way you communicated with adults.
Our favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate – we’ll be eating a pint of Hagen-Daas in honor of your birthday tonight!
Hi Baby, I thought if we got past your birthday we might be able to get into a pattern of being sad without you but not weeping everytime we hear your name…I hope that works…today has not been that good. Your birthday was yesterday and so many people thought about you and helped celebrate by having Ice-cream in your honor. Your Aunt Amanda even put those pictures here on this website…so while you are internet surfing with Grandpa Jerry make sure you take a look. I love you so so much and I miss you so so much
Hi Baby,
Easter wasn’t the same without you. We miss you so so much. Instead of having the Potts over since the Covid bit we had dinner just daddy and I. We sat with you and watched a movie. We had ham and mac-n-cheese…your favorite (just kidding). We did a little better today. We still ache with missing you but we are able to get out of the house without crying too much and today I made it all the way until dinner before I cried cried. We miss you so much angel. Be good, and know we love you ALWAYS!
I think instead of writing to you everyday here I am only going to write on holidays and when special things happen…otherwise I will just talk to you in the living room…I don’t want Aunt Amanda irritated by my constant rambling.
Dad says to make sure I tell you how much he misses you too. Today was rough for him. We love you so so much and we miss you so so much.
I will talk to you soon
Love,
mom
Hi Baby,
Just want you to know that we are missing you lots today. We tried to start cleaning your room. I don’t think we are quite ready for that…so maybe another day. We miss you so so much and we love you so so much.
I miss your laugh.
Love,
mom
Hi Baby,
You’ve been gone a month…
I love you so so much
and I miss you so so much
I miss your smile and your laugh, I even miss your temper and your pouty moods.
I love you
Love
Mom
Hi Baby
I just wanted to give you an update on the patio. We are just about finished. I think dad and I will finish the last little bit on it tomorrow. I am not sure where the firepit is going to go…or what kind of benches or patio furniture we should get…maybe you can help pick that out. I took a picture of our progress on the patio and if you look closely at dads reflection in the window it looks like you are standing right next to him…I love that you are right there with us every step of the way…please always be there. We love you so much and we miss you so so much. Your being gone has made us think about all the things we have done together and rethink things we said when we were angry and the things we should have said when we were happy or proud. But I hope you always felt the love we had and still have for you. We miss you and we love you ALWAYS
Love,
bob
Hi baby
I just wanted you to know that I miss you so so much. Today marks 6 weeks since you left us and it is not getting easier yet. I have been talking to you daily but it isn’t the same when I can’t hear your snarky come back or see you roll your eyes or all the other little things that made you you. I hope you have been having fun with grandma and grandpa and everyone else. I hope you’re using your nice words. Please know we think about you always and our hearts ache ALWAYS. I miss you so so much angel.
I love you and I miss you
Love
Mom
PS dad said that they recorded a new parks and rec we will watch it together right?
Hi Angel
I can’t believe that it has been 7 weeks…we are still a mess but want you to know that we are trying. I keep thinking of ways to make you proud that you were my baby. So far I keep coming up with nothing. I am missing the little things right now. Like how I used to annoy you by making you dance around the kitchen as I held you in a vice grip and sang dance with me. I miss saying goodnight to you and you requesting that I check on you in 10 minutes. I miss everything…everything. We miss you and we love you always. Please know that we will never stop thinking of you and loving you from afar.
I love you so so much baby
Love
Mom
I love you so so much baby
Yesterday after I wrote to you I read a grief pamphlet that said that part of the grieving process is to say goodbye. I can’t do that…I can accept that you have gone to be with grandma and grandpa but I cannot say goodbye…not ever I need you with me always. I think that is the only way dad and I are going to survive you being gone. I hope that doesn’t upset you too much but you must know that you were our everything…even when we were mad at you or you at us. I miss you so so much. I am trying baby but I cry everyday…this is not getting easier…whoever said “grief fades” was an asshat you are right there on the surface of everything we do. I love you and I miss you always
Love
Mom
Hi Baby
Today marks your being gone 8 weeks. Your daddy and I are still so devastated at your leaving. Today, the day after mothers day, has left us a bit hollow. Your schools principal Mr Swift let us come in and get your things from your locker. It was really hard to do. We cried a lot. But it was nice too, seeing where you spent a good deal of your time. There was very little in your locker. A pair of shorts for gym and a couple of t-shirts along with a text book and some colored pencils and markers…both looked like you had not opened them. It made me sad again to know that you won’t ever get to go on to high school. You won’t get to attend any school dances. You won’t ever get to experience all of the rites of passage that your teenage years were supposed to give you. You always joked about how I would sob like a baby when I dropped you off at college for the first time. I probably would have done that in the fall as you headed off to your first day of high school…but that was taken from us. I don’t know how to process all of this…I feel so so lost without you angel. So so lost and so so empty. I keep asking your dad what did we do before Gavin. But what it comes down to is that we can’t remember because that part of our lives paled in comparison to having you in it so now we are a drift and don’t know what we are supposed to do. Your Aunt Amanda has been a trooper and lets us annoy her whenever being cooped up in this house too long is making us nuts…I really don’t have anything else to report just our continued sadness…OH your note in my mother’s day card was perfect I think I will read it again tonight.
I love you so so much and I miss you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
It’s mom again. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I know you know that the last 2 months have been awful but Mondays are super bad and honestly your dad feels a lot of guilt on Sundays too. I think he has guilt that he went to his fantasy draft on your last Sunday with us instead of being here at home. I told him he was nuts about this. I tell him not to feel guilty but he is super sad still. I keep thinking about the grief pamphlet that says we have to say goodbye to you…I don’t want to but if it will help you find peace I don’t want your angry bored spirit zooming around my head because I made you stay with us. If you need us to say goodbye you have to let us know. Otherwise we are content to have you near us always. I love you and I will never stop I promise. It has been 9 weeks without you and it is not fun. I keep thinking there must be an alternate universe out there somewhere, where you woke up no problem and life is going on like normal. I would like to be in that universe. I miss you and I love you ALWAYS
Love
mom
Hi Angel
I have been off all day…I finally figured it out. It is Monday 10 weeks since you left. We are trying to get things back together but you know it is rough. I was thinking today about all the ways I used to annoy you. When kids are young they play the “why?” game. I would always calmly answer every why question. You liked to see how long you could keep it going. When I got tired of it I would direct my answers until you were asking about puberty and that is when you would stop. When you were little little I would just keep answering until you got bored asking questions, but let’s be honest, the puberty shut down of that game was amazing. I also was thinking how I wont be able to annoy you with dinosaur head but…you hated that game…I miss hanging out with you. I remember once I told you that I wasn’t your friend because I had a much much better roll in your life and that was being your mom. But I lied you were my friend. Gavin F. from school wrote us a note and at the end he said he very much missed his friend. Me too.
I miss you so so much and I love you so so much
Love
Mom
Ps I am thinking to have your memorial on June 26 or 27. So hopefully soon we will have a celebration of your life…so if you like either of those days let me know and work on making the weather amenable. Love you monkey
Hi angel
11 weeks. We are still a mess. We went to visit Aunt Maria and Uncle Clayton. We thought we would be okay with that trip. We were wrong. You not being in the hotel room with us was awful, and then seeing your new cousin Brody with is chubby cheeks just like you was super hard. We cut our trip short. We failed and came home a day early. I don’t have much new to say. I have said it all every time I write here and every time I talk to you in the house; why? we don’t get it! we miss you! we love you! This is wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Please talk to someone upstairs and get some answers for me because I need something!
I miss you so so much and I love you so so much
Love mom
Hi Baby
So this is week 12 without you. It still sucks. That really is all there is to say about it. I am reading every night with you I have not heard when the next Trials of Apollo will come out but hopefully I am caught up by then and can read it to you. I love you always. I miss you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi buddy.
Today’s been a particularly bad day. Not sure why. Thought maybe I would send you a quick note.
Hard to believe, but we should actually be on a plane right now headed to London. Probably would have been a long miserable flight but I was really looking forward to it. Not the flight, the trip.
Of course everything got canceled so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
Everything’s still pretty COVID crazy right now. Wish you were here with us.
Miss you more than anything kid.
Love you.
Dad
week 13 and it is still awful. I am reading to you every night so I usually say to you there the things I need to. I haven’t been crying as much but it strikes at weird times. I miss you and I love you so very much kid.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
Yesterday was Father’s Day and was pretty rough. We miss you and I hope you are still hearing us tell you we love you and we miss you. You gave your dad some t-shirts this year which is the same as usual but it isn’t the same since you weren’t there telling me in person which one to buy. I miss you so so much still and I will never stop loving you.
Love
Mom
Hi dude.
It’s the eve of your memorial service. I’m sure you’ll be surprised to know it’s a bit of a scramble to get it all together. But I think we’re there.
Today was really hard. Getting everything ready brings back so many general and specific memories. It’s overwhelming at times.
100 days later and I miss you just as much as the first day you were gone.
Love you kid.
-Dad
Hey Gavin, I’m really missing you man. I wish that I could have told you how good of a friend you were. You helped me out a lot, and were always there for me. I hope you’re doing well in heaven.
Hi baby
It is hard to believe it has been 15 weeks. Your daddy and I went golfing today…it was his last day of vacation (the last day of what would have been our England vacation…except…everything) I started thinking that had you not passed away maybe we would have dragged you out there with us and made you drive the cart and caddy for us. I miss you everyday angel. I feel like a broken record but I am still having a hard time believing you are not coming back. Regardless I want you to know I love you so so much and I miss you so so much. Be good and say Hi to Grandma and Grandpa for us.
I love you
mom
Hi Baby
Happy Monday. It is week 16. Mondays still suck. Your dad had a dream about you the other night that set us both back a little bit…letting him find the video from Miss Paulas was very needed. You had to have been all of one year old and you said “I love you dad” clear as day then you said “and mom I love you mom” You are still the cutest child I have ever known bar none!! We miss you so much angel and we love you even more.
I’ll talk to you again soon
I love you
mom
Hi baby
I miss you…thought I would get that out of the way 17 weeks and you are still gone. I think your dad and I are doing a little better. Our grief is still constant but it is a dull ache instead of a shooting pain. I can usually go a few days without crying now though I still read to you every night and like to leave lipstick marks on your forehead like normal every morning. Also in a random weird thought your dad and I are watching the tiger king and it is awful. I think we would have let you watch with us just so you know exactly how bad meth is. Okay I love you so so much
I’ll write again next week. Miss you angel
Love
mom
Okay Angel
So it has been 18 weeks and one day since you left. I feel like a bad mom for not writing yesterday. I decided I would write every monday at least for the first year and yesterday I missed. I shouldn’t have. I had a very vivid dream of you so I woke up on Monday thinking of you and crying. I am going to tell you about the dream incase my answer in it was unclear. In the dream I was sitting on my closet floor and I think I was putting on socks. You came in and sat on my lap. You were crying and I felt you. I felt your weight on my lap and my arms around you and I felt your head on my shoulder. In the dream I was rubbing your back and rocking you back and forth or at least as back and forth as I could while seated on the floor. I asked you what was wrong and you said, “I am afraid to go into the light.” I don’t know what happens when we die. I believe that you get to see loved ones who died before you but I am not sure if there are parallel universes and when you die you are born into the next and vice versa or if there is truly a heaven or the fields of Elysium where you wait for the people here to join you. I believe that you should not be afraid of that light angel. If it scares you because you think you are leaving us behind its okay. we are going to love you and miss you always because you aren’t here with us so going into the light is not going to change how much we love and miss you. We want what we have always wanted, for you to be safe and happy. So I am going to leave you with this, make good choices. I love you so so much and I am so so proud that you were my baby even if it was for such a short time. We miss you and we love you so so much.
Love mom
Hi Angel
It has been 19 weeks since you were taken away from us. I hope you are doing well and that Grandma and Grandpa are spoiling you right. Today the counter people came to measure the kitchen…so our europe trip turned into quartz countertops. I am sure that you would have been very “excited” about the change to the kitchen. I also want you to know that we are doing okay. I am not sure how long it is going to take for us to say we are doing good. I had a really rough day yesterday. Some days you are right on the front of my brain and I can’t stop myself from being sad over how irritated you would have been in a situation. Like yesterday dad and I went to Lowes just to have something to do and we talked about how you would have been so mad that we made you come along with us. We hated that you were so miserable but we loved having you by us. I miss that most…having you near. Hearing you yell about the internet being slow. Hearing you cackle over a show that you had already seen 18 times. I miss you everyday and want you to know we love you and think of you always.
I will talk to you again soon
I love you
Mom
Hi baby
20 weeks and we are still not okay. We miss you. I hope you look in on us every now and then. I cried a lot this weekend because the pratt children turned 3 and when I was at Target you asked if we could give them Dr Seuss books. We got them one fish two fish and fox on socks. I miss you and really dont have anything else to report aside from the counters will be in on Thursday. I know if you were still with us you wouldnt even be able to pretend that you were excited about them. I will write again next week angel.
I miss you and I Love you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi bugs. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. Doesn’t mean I’m not constantly thinking about you.
Still knock on your bedroom door if it’s closed before I walk in. Still can’t be in there for more than a handful of seconds. Wonder if that’s ever going to change.
The Dust Devils had their last game of the season last night, which also meant their last game ever. I’m so sorry but I didn’t have it in me to go. I would have if Mom wanted to but she was in the same boat.
Love you miss you kid
Hey Baby
It is week 21. I want you to know that I miss you and I love you and I think about you always. I think your dad and I are taking two steps forward and one step back in dealing with your absence. You dad got a little sad today. I think he feels regret that he was a human being when he would get irritated at you at times. I tell him always that what we feel is right, even if it is irritation. I know you are my angel and I wouldnt change one thing about you but you knew how to push buttons and you were a kid learning how to interact and get along as a person so sometimes, be it intentional or accidental, you irritated us. I know that my temper was off the charts sometimes. I am really working on the laughter and love rather than the fights. Like I got sad yesterday because you wont laugh at my dumb busy bee routine that I did when you were an infant until you were 13 which I know was laughter only because I was so weird. I also thought about the stories that we would co-write at dinners where I would set up the hero to do something great and when you had the pen the hero would fart a lot or eat poop. Regardless of how we felt starting those stories by the end we were laughing. I miss your smile. I think I am going to leave you on that note and watch you in a video. I miss you so so much monkey
I love you
Mom
Hi Angel
Today marks 22 weeks without you. I thought I would write from school so you could snicker about me being there and you not having to be in the building today but I had a rough afternoon thinking about you and all of the freshmen I am going to end up teaching this year. I miss you. School this year is going to be rough…to be honest I think it is going to suck for at least 4 years as I see your age group go through the ranks. I guess one silver lining is that you will be frozen at 13 almost 14 so you still had a few little boy qualities that I can hold on to and you never had the chance to become a lippy 16 year old. I miss your laugh and your smile and your snark. Say hey to grandma and grandpa and everyone else. I will talk to you soon
I Love you so so much
Love
mom
Hi Baby
It is closing in on the end of the day. I brought you to work with me today. I have done that a couple of times and I am not sure if it is the fact that you are with me or if it is all me but I don’t want to be here today. I feel like I have that feeling everyday I bring you with…I think I am channeling you. I love you so much kid. I hope you are enjoying time with Grandma and Grandpa. I hope that you are still checking on us. I know you are I feel you with us. Like today when I don’t want to be at work. Just so you know the drive home sucks…I know your hugs wont be waiting at the end of it anymore….I guess I could hug your dad…just not the same.
Love you and miss you kiddo
Love,
mom
It has been 24 weeks angel…this is almost the half year mark. I went back to school with kids today. I thought of you looking at my freshmen. I sometimes think about what your argument for not going to school anymore might be. You were so stinking smart. I wish we could have seen where it would have taken you. I miss you so so much angel. I have been doing okay and then I have a few set back days…today might be one of them. I am going to blame my sadness and not looking at your memories and smiling on the fact that it is monday and I am super tired…so with that I will tell you the same thing I always tell you. I miss you so so much and I love you so so much. Talk to you next week angel
Love
Mom
Hi bud. Just thought I’d say hi.
Mom had her first week with students and that led to us talking about how you for whatever reason picked German as the language you wanted to learn. Pretty sure part of it was to troll us to which I say, well played.
Gav I’m not ok.
Love you.
Dad
Hey Baby
This marks week 25…almost a half a year is gone and some days it is still awful. Some days are okay. I don’t have much to tell you about I told you most of what I needed to when I read to you. I just wanted this out in the cosmos so you know that we are still thinking of you and Loving you and trying to figure out what the point of life is since you aren’t here anymore. I miss you so so much and I love you so so much
Be good angel
Love
mom
Hi Angel
It has been 26 weeks since you left. I think we are doing better in general. I know we still have days and as it turns out when people talk about their 9th graders I get weepy still. I am missing you so much. I am trying to remember the times that you laughed or when we did things together that were memorable for us both. I even like remembering the times that whatever we were doing ended with you mad at me for something. I miss you baby so so much. Please know how much I love your face and how much I miss your face.
Love
Mom
Hi angel Baby
Another week has gone by. We still miss you too much for words. I really feel like a broken record about what is going on. I saw Miss Jill on Saturday. She said that Xavier is eating lunch with a Gavin from the YMCA but also said that he was the wrong Gavin…We all still think about you so much. I dont think any amount of time will make this hole in my heart any smaller. I hope you are doing okay with Grandma and Grandpa and think about us every now and then…When uncle Jimmy lets you play with the chainsaws I hope you are being safe. I still miss you like crazy and want to hug you so much it hurts. I think about you always and I love you always.
Love
Mom
Miss you angel
Hi bugs.
How much longer do I have to endure this. I’m so tired kid.
I’m hanging on because I think that’s what you would want.
I love you so much buddy. I hope you knew that. I think you knew that. I can’t stop thinking about the stupid shit I would chastise you for. Literally none of it mattered.
You were the best and deserved so much more.
If you had to go I just wish I had one day with you. I know my last interaction with you was a hug and an “I love you” which is more than a lot of people get. But it wasn’t fair to you. And selfishly it wasn’t enough for me.
I would be grateful if I could see you in my dreams buddy. Not sure why you haven’t visited outside of the one awful one but if you were worried it would be too much I can handle it. Please.
I love you forever Gavin.
-Your daddy
Hi angel
I miss you and this pain has been going on for 29 weeks. I want you to know that we are still trying to be normal. I feel like we do a good job pretending when we are out and about but it is still right there on the tip of thought. Nothing is right without you baby. Hope you are enjoying your time in the field of ellysium? Asphidel? I cant remember what rick riordan talked about in his books but that version of heaven is where I put you in my brain. I want you to know that I am still talking to the flickering lightbulbs because I believe it is you letting me know you are okay. I love you so much baby. Be good. I will see you someday I hope if I do good things from here on out I feel like maybe I can makeup for being a jerk when I was younger.
Love you and miss you always
Love mom
Hi Baby
Mondays suck but they still happen…I feel like crying a lot on mondays. It has been 30 weeks since you left. I think this is about where I am going to stop counting the weeks. When you were a baby I only counted the weeks until 24 then I just counted by months…which I did until you were 2 years old…so maybe that will be my plan. I have nothing fun to report…more whining over missing you. I am trying to be happy but it doesnt work. I guess I didn’t realize how much of my joy you controlled….I miss you so so much angel. Okay now that I am crying at work I should get back to it. I love you so so much!
Love
mom
Hi Baby
I have thought of you every morning since you have been gone but I gotta be honest nothing screams Gavin like the weather we are having. It is chilly and in my mind I picture you standing on the corner waiting for the bus without a jacket saying “It isnt cold” I miss the things you would say…like “mom you are so weird” or “me me meme me”. I miss everything. I love you so much and hope that you are doing good and that you are remembering your nice words. Come see me in a dream soon…I miss you
Love
bob
Hi Handsome Baby
Just wanted you to know that we think about you always. Life is kind of on auto drive…each day bleeding in the next and each week doing the same. We miss you a lot. I love hearing stories about you and I feel like I am getting better about hearing about other people’s children without wanting to break into tears. …I guess that is growth. There really is not too much going on right now…I am dreading the up coming holidays because I dont want to forget how much you loved them but I also dont think celebrating will be something we want to do without you. OKay so I am going to let you run now. I cant tell you enough how much I love you. Please be good and be safe and know we miss you every second of every day.
Love you kiddo
Love
Mom
PS happy Halloween early
Hi Angel
I am not really sure why but over the past few days I keep thinking about your cackle. I am not sure if I keep seeing things I think you would find funny or just random memories surfacing but I want you to know that though I miss that sound so so much please keep doing it and finding things worth laughing at. I worry your dad and I will only find humor in fart jokes and things that are surface only because we are still working on finding joy on the inside. Halloween was harder than I thought it would be. We went to see you memorial tree and that made your loss fresh again. I wish you were here to complain about school and what is going on in Fortnite. I miss you angel so so much
Love
mom
Hi Baby
I am writing thank you notes today for the tree in the park with your name on it. It is a great tree. It is an eastern redbud and reminds me of how your dogs ate my first and second round of trees in the backyard. I hope that is something I can learn to laugh about…it was something we were supposed to laugh about together. I miss you so much angel. I hope you are doing okay and that you look in on us every now and then.
I love you so so much
Mom
Hi angel
I almost just called you my angle …oops….it has been a long day. I know I have told you that I dont like mondays they are usually really really awful…you have been gone 8 months today…I thought I would feel worse on the month-iversaries of your passing but Really the holidays and 6th months has been the worst. I hope you are doing okay. I think about you all the time. I have a kid that reminds me of you. He really wants to do well. Hes smart too…not as smart as you…which I think ends up being good so that I am not worried about getting weepy everyday. I try to be upbeat but everyday something hits hard…for dad it is music…the music you shared a like for or songs about being separated and waiting for each other…so really dont worry about us we are still ginormous messes and will be forever. We miss you baby
Be Good
mom
Hi Baby
I hope you enjoyed the Trial of Apollo Series. I need to figure out what to read to you next…I am not sure I am ready to let go of pretending to be your mom by tucking you in at night. Maybe a really long series? Anyway Dad posted your soccer story on facebook like he said he would. Lots of people smiled and laughed at how cute you are. I just cry because you arent here. Alright I dont need to get so worked up right now I will cry about it tonight when I tuck you into bed. I love you real whole lots and miss you more than you will ever know
Love you
mom
Happy thanksgiving angel
I missed forcing you to try the mashed potatoes and the face you made afterwards that told me you secretly loved them but were too stubborn to admit it. Nothing is right without you here. We miss you so so much baby.
I love you and miss you so so much
Love,
Mom
Hi sweetest Angel
Your daddy and I went Christmas Shopping over the weekend and it was oddly therapeutic. It was weird not looking for things for you but I thought about you the whole time. “Gavin would love this!” “Do you remember how Gavin would get so excited when he was little little about the boxes after the toys came out?” I think the fact that I tried to get your shopping done first without mixing it with the nieces and nephews helped…that and you were growing out of the toy section at the store…you were getting more excited about gaming money than things that I could buy for you…but lets face it you favorite every year was always the socks and underwear.
I miss your face kiddo. I hope you are happy and safe.
I will talk to you again soon
I Love you so so much
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I don’t want to ruin Christmas for you but my plan was to find you a new book or book series we could read together…I did not handle the end of the trials of Apollo series well…I know was not the greatest mom but I loved being your mom and I am really not ready for that to be done. Regardless if you see a series or even just a book that looks good to you give me or your daddy a nudge so we can make that happen. I love you so much and miss you every minute of every day. I will write again soon.
Love you and miss you
Mom
Hey Angel Baby
Daddy and I are having a hard time deciding what to do about Christmas. We did not put the tree up this year thinking that it might be too hard to see it without you here. However now we are thinking maybe you would want it up because you loved Christmas so much. I wish I knew what the right call was. Also I want to be here for Christmas so I feel like you are close to us but at the same time there are so many memories that I am having a hard time with that I dont think I should be here…I wish you were here with us…Everything about this sucks because you are gone. I love you so so much angel. I hope you are doing good and that you are using your nice words. We think about you always and miss you with every breath.
I love you so much
Mom
So it’s Tuesday well technically Wednesday now angel. With getting tested for covid occupying my brain on Monday night I forgot to write. Your dad is visiting with uncle Gunnar and aunt Amanda is out in New Jersey I am alone and I was so excited for quiet alone time but now all I am able to do is think about you and weep. I am sorry I wasn’t better at being your mom….even if I wasn’t great my love for you should have always been apparent…I was always so so proud of you baby and I feel dead inside since you left. Ok enough. I love you and I miss you and I wish I could hug you…I would say one last time but let’s be honest if I had you in my arms I would just stay like that forever just so you couldn’t leave. Be good…use your nice words… know that your dad and I love you always. I will talk to you again soon.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
We made it through our first Christmas without you…it was bad…really bad but honestly it hurt worse on Christmas Eve. Dad and I hung a stocking on your tree in the park…I put a little treat inside it…now I am questioning if that was a good idea I don’t want to make the wildlife sick…maybe next year it will just be the stocking. We love you so much life seems pretty pointless without you in it…like we are just waiting to see you again. Ok enough with the depressed diatribe. We love you and we miss you so so much angel.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
So we made it through New Years and dad’s birthday. Part of me is happy to leave 2020, it was such an awful year with horrible experiences but I hate getting further and further from my time with you. I worry my memories of you will diminish with age. I don’t want to lose any memory of you even the ones where we fought and I felt like I was doing everything wrong. Tonight rylan from Duello showed up on our doorstep. I wonder if you sent him our way since you knew I would over react and call the police to get him help. You were always so good…way better than I ever was your kindness is still remembered. Ms Parn your elementary school principal reached out over the holidays and told us about how she remembers your kindness. It was sweet. Bitter sweet. Okay enough rambling. I miss you and I love you so so much…and I am so proud I got to be your mamma.
Happy new year angel
I will keep writing.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I was just going to check in and see how you are doing. It is Monday again and I am feeling a little sad. Overall I feel like we are doing better. I guess this weekend will be a test. We are going to see the nieces and nephew to give them their Chris presents. I am wondering how your teenage angst would have played out. Your irritation at having to go warring with your desire to see your cousins and getting presents. I would imagine you would be okay going knowing you would have gaming time in the car but isolating yourself as soon as we’ll got there until we would leave again. Your cousins are getting big. I can picture you playing with them in my mind and it is bittersweet knowing that this time all you can do is watch from above. For so long you were the only child and I felt like you got neglected too often…it is one of the things that would irritate me at family gathering because your aunts and uncles would not play with you…I miss you.
A quick update about rylan (classmate not cousin) so he spent some time visiting with some care givers to make sure he was not a danger to himself. I hope he got the attention he needed. I told him I would help him with math if he needed it…I can just imagine the arguments we would have had over your math since I would be obnoxiously critical about how you did things…you were so smart but very boy like in your haste to get your work done whether it was right not not. Okay that is about all I am going to ramble about tonight. I miss you so so much baby….and I love you so so much and I always will.
Talk to you soon.
Love
Mom
Hi Monkey
Sorry I missed last weeks letter to you. Because of the holiday on monday I got my days all screwed up. BUT I am back on track now. I hope you are doing okay. I have some bad news. My idiot dog ate the hat you asked me to get for your dad…he was pretty upset…we will have to replace it soon. I miss you so much, today was a rough. Dad was understandably angry and sad that your gift had become a chew toy to the idiot boy dog….Dad still calls him fat head. On a completely different note, your dad and I started bowling in a league with Jill and Michael…I am out of shape…the first week my butt hurt and the second week my arm…I am curious what will hurt next week. Okay so I have very little to say…I am going to start reading again soon. I am curious about the Michael vey series that we got for Christmas. Okay so I will write again next week. I love you so much and think about you ALL THE TIME. I hope you are happy.
Talk to you soon Angel
Love
Mom
HI Angel this is just a real quick note to let you know I am thinking about you…and that my mood matches the day…kind of gray and Blaaaaahhhh. I miss you so much but since today is so blaaaahhh I have very little else to report…maybe that I love you more than my own life. I will try to write again later with something exciting to talk about like maybe the sunroom? Okay Have real good days handsome. I love you and miss you
Love
Mom
My love you my miss you my drinking…your dAds fault. Even though you might think I am your real mom but I am real proud of everything you are!!
I live you and I miss you so so much
Love
Mom
Wow
Sorry gav I was trying to reference when you and dad came to pick me up from aunt Amanda’s and you said you wish you had your real mom back. Last night was rough I miss you so so much.
I will do better next week
Love you angel
Mom
Hi Angel!
It is monday again…and it is COLD!! I think you would have liked the weather today it is so cold it is dangerous and the snow is pretty and both of those things would have given you and excuse to hole up in your computer cave. I dont have a whole lot to report. Your dad and I are bowling with Jill and Michael…I am AWFUL at bowling and to top it off I think my elbow is broken…it might be because I do not bowl correctly or that it is a stupid sport…I have not decided which yet. We are enjoying getting out though so I guess that is good. Your dad cleaned poop vomit from Luna’s cage today…I told you she ate poop…this is where you are supposed to say “he does too!” and I argue that he doesnt…but you are not here to argue with me. That makes me super sad…I reached out to a grief counselor…I guess we will see what happens. I dont feel like what is happening in my head is unusual and talking about it with someone who doesn’t know me or more importantly you doesnt seem like it is going to do any more good than letting time heal as much as it can and then figuring out how to go on without you in our lives. But I guess we will see. Okay I have nothing else to report…Except for the sun room which I think I will tell you about next time or when it finally gets underway.
I love you so so much and I miss you so so much too.
Be good…use your nice words…and know that we think about you ALWAYS
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
I am sorry I missed Monday. It was not a great day and I was super tired…so I neglected you. I am sorry. I hope you are doing okay. I tried to reach out to a counselor to get some counseling for your dad and I but no one contacted me back so I guess that means they do not want to take on new clients. I was not too nice it what I was saying either so maybe they decided to skip us. Anyway. I love you so so much…Singing happy birthday to your cousins is not nearly as fun without you cackling and rolling your eyes in the background.
Miss you baby
Love mom
Hi Baby
I hope you are doing good. I miss you. We got new neighbors not too long ago…I am not sure if I mentioned that before but they are very nice. The have a little boy. Younger than you, but also has epilepsy. They just got 2 new puppies. Your idiot dogs are in a tizzy over it. Dad said that they barked the day away. I guess we will see how that turns out overall. I am thinking maybe the neighborhood will vote us off the island for having loud dogs. I should tell you about the sun room but I think I am going to save that for when I have nothing else to say and truthfully with the indeterminant amount of time it may or may not take to get it rolling I think I have time. I love you and will talk to you soon. I think the next time the weather gets warmish that Betty and I will come picnic at your tree…just to spend some time. You got a text from Conner Tebeau he says he misses you still…we all do.
Okay I will talk to you next week
I love you soo soo much and I miss you so so much too
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
Sorry I did not write on monday we were on our way back from visiting Aunt Mia and Uncle Clay. We gave Barrett a ride in the jeep and I looked back and it wasn’t you in the back seat and I really lost it. You have been away from us for nearly a year and I still have moments where it is all just a terrible nightmare and I expect to see you where you are supposed to be. I think that makes me delusional but I am really having a hard time with the concept that this is life now…I miss you everyday. I know I say that all the time but I miss being your mom. I miss how irritated I used to get over random nothing issues and how if I could go back I would try to be less nit-picky. I dont think I would have given you more time on the computer or anything like that but I would try to be more patient. I feel like I am negotiating your return but I know you can’t come back. If I could I would trade places with you so that you could have had a life where you fell in love and graduated from school and had children of your own. I hope you are watching over your dad and I because it is the only thing that gives me a modicum of peace. I love you always
and I am so proud you were my angel
Love
Mom
Hi Angel. This has been the longest and shortest year of our lives. This time last year I was in the attic in the garage trying to wire the new outlets. You played your computer and talked to me a little about planning your birthday party. You went for a bike ride and then climbed up the ladder to see what the attic looked like. You were super excited because there was talk of closing school because of Covid. That was before we understood what the pandemic was going to do/ be like. I wish I had perfect clarity of that day. I would cherish those memories like I do all my memories of you but it was the oldest you got to be so I feel like it was important. I remember later that evening we went up to the Pratt Garage and you stayed in and watched the office. I have huge guilt over going there because I remember cracking a joke about someone wanting to adopt a 13 year-old boy, then complaining after the call came in about your school closing because I just wanted ONE DAY of my spring break to be by myself…Ever since that day I tell the universe I take it back I take it back I take it back…I would rather have everyday with you glued to my side then having to deal with the loss of you. Your daddy and I are miserable without you here. We are trying to adjust but being your mom was my favorite job and I got fired…I know I was not a great mom but you were a great son…even when we quarreled or did not see eye to eye…I hope you know that even when I was being stubborn or irritating you that I loved you so so so so so much and I was always so so so so proud that you were my baby. I dont think I am going to write to you tomorrow. We are going to go visit your tree and try to celebrate you without being too sad….it is hard though. I hope to light off some of your lanterns and I think with the number of them that I bought we will do that every year until we meet again. I love you so much baby
Be good, use your nice words and know that we think about you ALWAYS
Love
Mom
I miss you
Hi Baby
It has been a few weeks…I was having issues remembering what day is what and with spring break and the anniversary (I can’t believe we have survive a year) of your passing i feel a bit discombobulated. I will endeavor to get back on track next week. I like talking to you this way. Science tells us energy is never created or destroyed just transferred so I like to think that you are the energy around us…I usually see you in flickering light bulbs but since you liked computers so much I am pretending that you read this often. I am hoping that your dad reaches out to the sun room people soon so we know when that is going to happen…then I will tell you all the details and other stuff that if you were here you would be rolling your eyes at. I miss you so so much angel. I hope you are doing okay. Look in on us every now and again and visit our dreams I like talking to you there…so it is not as one sided of a conversation. Talk to you soon.
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I thought about sending you an April fools prank but I couldn’t think of anything that would elicit that perfect snicker you had. It is Monday again…so trash night. I decided to clean out the fridge which has not been done in a LONG time. I cried because I threw out some of your food….I know it is over a year old but there was cheese in there for your famous swap fries and some green bacon bits…also from swamp fries….I couldn’t throw it all out….I actually went into the trash to save that awful cheese but decided to keep the chocolate sauce for your chocolate milk instead…I don’t much like this version of life. For a while I tried to pretend you were off at college but kept remembering that you won’t be here for holidays….I think that hurt worse. Sunday was Easter and I kept thinking of how sweet you were when you were tiny lugging around an Easter basket with plastic eggs from grandma and grandpa’s house. I hope you had a good holiday with them and that you got treats out of your plastic eggs. I miss you so so much baby. Ok have a good week and don’t forget to use your nice words. I love you!
Love
Mom
Happy birthday baby
I hope there is fritzes in heaven. I was looking forward to teaching you to drive…so that sucks but to as much as you not being heri love you so much!
Love
Mom
Hi angel
It is Monday and I just read over my last entry to you and all those times I told you to take your time and watch out for silly mistakes only applied to you since there are SO many typos. Oh well. So this weekend sucked…I really hope at some point remembering you with us will not take my breath away with grief and pain, but your birthday is going to be bad every year I think. You were always so cute about what you wanted to do for your birthday and who you would invite…I know even on March 15th you were hoping to reach out to friends about your party… you and I were two peas in a pod and now your gone…I really think I hate the universe for taking you away. But also so very glad we had the time we did. Alright I will let you go. I miss you and I love you so so much my little monkey
Love
Bob
Hi cutest
It’s Monday again. Let’s see…things that are going on…nothing really. I went by your tree today it was a lovely day and then it is supposed to snow tomorrow night….I am hopeful for a snow day but realistically that isn’t going to happen. The sun room company finally got the permits to start construction…this will become my summer project I think. I remember how my dad would force me to help him on projects I think that was brilliant because it made me realize I can do it myself so I am missing out on forcing you to do projects with me…maybe grandpa is up there forcing you to do projects with him. Okay well I have nothing much else to say that you haven’t heard like 1000 times so I will let you go be safe know we love and miss you so very very much!
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
A thought occurred to me today that not only do we miss out on watching you grow into the best person you can be…I can’t pretend that at some point you will take over mowing the lawn. Sigh…I had day dreams about paying you $20 to mow the yard and slipping you a 50 “accidentally” every now and then just so you would think I am super cool even though we both know I am the best nerdiest person I can be minus having you here to witness it. I miss you everyday. Sometimes it feels never ending, this pain, and some days I feel like we will be okay until we see you again. It’s a toss up on the day. Well that is about all I have for now. I love you more than my own life and miss you every second of every day
Love,
Mom
Hi baby
I thought of you today…like everyday. I can’t get it out of my head that Conner t got his learners permit and I think ms Sam and mr Steve bought him a car. I can’t imagine the cajoling we would hear because you would not have gotten a car from us….sorry angel. I hope you are doing good. Dad and I went to the casino and your dad won a jackpot as I sat next to him and lost…and lost and lost but oh well. Okay it is dinner time so I am going to run but I love you and I miss you
Love
Mom
Hi Angel
Happy Monday. I managed to make it through mothers day again…thank you for my card and flower it was lovely. It made me cry because it was just what you would have picked on your own…not through dad. I really have nothing new to report…I could tell you how I had to borrow Mr Josh’s lawn mower today since ours finally broke broke. It was about time for a new one so now I am going to look a little more closely at a riding mower. I guess we will see. I went to the dentist today too but I think you knew that because I felt like you were there worrying about me when the evil dentist numbed my jaw. …that is really about all I have to report…i miss your laugh and your smile so much…today more than normal because I was at the dentist. Okay well we are going to go have a trivia thing with Aunt Amanda so I am going to let you go. I love you and miss you so so much my angel
Love
Mom
Hi angel
I am a little shocked when I have a day that feels so normal that I think about what you did at school today…then I remember. It doesn’t make me sob uncontrollably anymore but it makes me very sad. We had the school outing last Friday I thought about what you would say about my behavior and how you would be embarrassed because I am a spazz but on the inside you would think “my mom is super cool” okay so maybe you wouldn’t think that but in my head you always do. I think this year I might get out of school before you would have so I would have been taunting you about it like any good parent would then you would turn it right back around and tell me that you would have a longer summer break because I will go back before you would have to too. I am not sure if this is the first sign of losing my mind but if it is I am okay with it since a small part of me gets to pretend everything is fine. Alright I am going to go but please know I love you so so much and I miss you every minute!
I will talk to you soon.
Love
Mom
Hi angel!!
It is Monday…the last Monday of the school year…the last Monday of what should be your freshman year of high school…I hear you cackling that you were done on Thursday and that I had to go to school on Friday… I miss you angel. Hang out a little with us this summer…I will imagine you playing your computer and yelling about the internet…I miss your voice your smile your laugh your face. I love you
Love
Mom
Happy Monday angel
This is the time of year that I am supposed to lord it over your head that I am done with my school year and you still have a week to go…and right now in my head I hear you making that “mee mee me me” sound that I loved so much…then you would mention that even though you are still in school you don’t have to go back as early as I do. I miss you baby…so much. I hope you are doing okay. I hope that you continue to look in on us every now and then…we need you to be our voice of reason when we start to do stupid things. I don’t have much else to report so I will let you go but please know that we think about you every day and we will never stop missing you. I love you so much baby
Love,
Mom
Hi Angel Baby
It has been over a year since I last wrote to you here. Please dont think it is because I think about you any less…it is more that moving helps keep the depression from becoming debilitating. That and I tend to sob uncontrollably when I write to you here…this is not where and how I want to talk to you…I guess there is nothing to be done about that though. I hope you are doing okay. Your dad and I are here…I hope you check in every now and again. In school this year you would be a junior. I have a lot of your cohort this year….I think that is a big part of my sadness, parts of you are everywhere but you are not here…that and it is winter and I feel trapped. I wish you knew exactly what a huge part of my life you were….even when I was crazy ranting mom you were my center. And as every one can see centrum non tenere…you know? well to end on a positive note…sprink is almost here…and by almost I am being optimistic. we have a good 8 weeks before the weather changes will stick…so. I love you more than life itself monkey face and I miss you so so so so so much.
My Love you
Mom
Hi angel we are sending a friend your way…please pick up his poop often you know how much he likes to eat it…we love you so so much and miss you every second of every day…
Miss you baby,,,every day